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    Friday, March 25, 2011

    A Letter

    A Letter to Elise by The Cure

    Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say
    I just can't stay here every yesterday
    Like keep on acting out the same
    The way we act out
    Every way to smile
    And make-believe we never needed
    Any more than this
    Any more than this

    Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you do
    I know I'll never really get inside of you
    To make your eyes catch fire
    The way they should
    The way the blue could pull me in
    If they only would
    If they only would
    At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else
    That hides away

    From me and you
    There're worlds to part
    With aching looks and breaking hearts
    And all the prayers your hands you make
    Oh I just take as much as you can throw
    And then throw it all away
    Oh I throw it all away
    Like throwing faces at the sky
    Like throwing arms round

    I stood and stared
    Wide-eyed in front of you
    And the face I saw looked back
    The way I wanted to
    But I just can't hold my tears away
    The way you do

    Elise believe I never wanted this
    I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises
    I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about
    But I let the dream go
    And the promises broke
    And the make-believe ran out...

    So Elise
    It doesn't matter what you say
    I just can't stay here every yesterday
    Like keep on acting out the same
    The way we act out
    Every way to smile
    And make-believe we never needed
    Any more than this
    Any more than this

    And every time I try to pick it up
    Like falling sand
    As fast as I pick it up
    It runs away through my clutching hands
    But there's nothing else I can really do
    There's nothing else I can really do
    There's nothing else
    I can really do
    At all...

    I haven't posted in awhile.

    This song strikes me. Everything, minus the name Elise, word for word is the truth.
    I was never good with words, and I'm relying on music to help me speak.


    I'm sorry it had to come to this. After building so much, after working on us for so long. All the hardships we've been through.

    I had to tear the wall down out of hate and confusion, now the wall no longer exist.

    But I digress.

    I look back. And remember all the times I had tried hard to keep the wall intact. The repairs we've made to keep it standing. The good times it kept us safe and happy. Now the wall is no longer there. And I don't think it'll ever be again.

    I'll leave you to it. I'm just gonna fade into the midst like the person I am.

    Saturday, July 24, 2010

    "Smoked Out"

    Here's a preview of one of my Journalistic Writing ICA4 articles.

    It's about a smoker. Enjoy.

    He blew out his puff as he sat there quietly, watching the tip of his cigarette die out. He had finished the second stick of the day, so he stubbed it out and threw it into the ash tray. As he looked up, his face expressionless, he tried to recall the days of how that age old habit started out in him.

    Muhammad Arifin, is only 18 this year, but he has already been smoking for 4 years now. Studying in Nanyang Polytechnic’s Media Studies & Management (soon to be rebranded as Mass Media Management), he has been depending on the magic stick to keep him going through the tough life of polytechnic. But how did he pick it up in the first place?

    It all started when Arifin was in Secondary 2. Back then, he was schooling in Ang Mo Kio Secondary, studying in the express stream. The thing is for Ariffin, he never really had smoker friends back then. He started smoking due not to peer pressure, but more to personal issues. His dad was already a smoker, and he was having trouble with his studies. So one day, he decided to take his first puffs which lead him onto a never-ending journey of tobacco.

    “I could still remember my first pack. It was Marlboro Reds.” He said.

    “I didn’t know what else to buy, so I bought it from a shop under my block. The uncle there assumed I was old enough, and sold me the pack.”

    Nowadays, Ariffin would smoke different brands depending on his mood and the money he has in his pocket.

    Ever since, he has discreetly smoked throughout his secondary school life and into his tertiary education. He had been caught before by his parents, but after countless berates, they have more or less given up on him.

    However, Arifin had tried to quit the habit before. Over the course of his smoking career, he has tried to quit for at least about 6 times. One time, he was almost successful, going as long as 6 months without a cigarette.

    “It was because of this girl, I liked. She told me, she’ll only be with me if quit smoking – which I did. But she disappeared eventually, which gave me a reason not to quit anymore”, Arifin recalls.

    Arifin explains his life as a roller coaster ride, with more downs than ups. This made him go back to the comforts of tobacco every time something doesn’t go right. Sometimes he feels as if he doesn’t want to be dependent on the stick, seeing he isn’t exactly the healthiest guy on earth.

    He had tried various ways to get him out of the habit. At first, he tried to simply satisfy cravings by having a sweet every now and then. However, that became a much more expensive method than buying packs weekly. Eventually he tried Nicotine Gum, a gum that supposedly gives smokers their nicotine fix without the stains of tobacco. His parents bought for him the gum for his 17th birthday. He tried it a couple of times, but hated it due to its bland and spicy taste.

    No matter what he tried, the call of the cigarette was too strong for him to resist. To him, smoking isn’t just because of his addiction to nicotine. He feels at ease with it. It calms him when nothing else can.

    “Sometimes, I feel that cigarettes are the only thing that truly understands me”

    Muhammad Arifin doesn’t intend to give up smoking anytime soon now. He now believes it’s the only thing keeping him together after all he’s been through, and he doesn’t regret it at all. Even if he did have a chance to forever quit smoking, he would rather stick to the stick.

    Thursday, June 17, 2010

    Carry On Wayward Son

    Carry on my wayward son,
    There'll be peace when you are done
    Lay your weary head to rest
    Don't you cry no more

    Once I rose above the noise and confusion
    Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
    I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
    Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
    Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
    I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say:

    Carry on my wayward son,
    There'll be peace when you are done
    Lay your weary head to rest
    Don't you cry no more

    Masquerading as a man with a reason
    My charade is the event of the season
    And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know
    On a stormy sea of moving emotion
    Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
    I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say:

    Carry on my wayward son,
    There'll be peace when you are done
    Lay your weary head to rest
    Don't you cry no more NO!

    Carry on, you will always remember
    Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
    Now your life's no longer empty
    Surely heaven waits for you

    Carry on my wayward son,
    There'll be peace when you are done
    Lay your weary head to rest
    Don't you cry
    Don't you cry no more

    A classic.

    Just felt like it.

    Saturday, June 12, 2010

    Please Don't Slow Me Down, If I'm Going Too Fast....

    Holy shit, it's finally over.

    For now.

    For the past week, I've been on the fucking edge from the moment I wake up, till I close my eyes and go to sleep. I don't know why. I've been waking up late every morning. Rushing to school, keeping my cool and all. It's pretty obvious to people I'm under pressure and my angst is getting the best of me at times.

    But that's me, when I'm all drained out. I wasn't under that much pressure. I can handle the stress, but when an overload of stuff comes down on me, I get tired. I was just shagged for the most part. Planning and directing a play, planning group projects and executing roles, doing assignments and studying for tests and all. Mehhh...

    At least I'm done with it. Thank god. You have no idea how good I felt while I was in that taxi, after I sent her off, on the way home. I felt refreshed and I literally felt something heavy was off me finally.

    Now my goal is to sleep, stay in bed, and watch the World Cup all the way till the start of term 2... BUT WAIT!

    Luqman, you forgetful ignorant lazy baffoon. Of course you can't rest now! There's still much to do over these 2 weeks! When school reopens, everything will come running down my doorstep like a bull seeing red.

    So okay, here's the plan - take a break for 2 days. Once Wednesday passes, get back on my toes and do things SLOWLY. Yes, take it slow. An advice I made up, but never really uphold myself. I'm a such an hypocrite.



    I vuld liek to thank ze Year 2 Dramas for putting in their precious time for StageArts Night. I know the story and all isn't exactly right, and the crowd laughed at the wrong times, and the sounds cocked up, and everything didn't went smoothly, and I was stressed out and all.

    But seriously, everyone thanks.

    Now we all can vanish and make our dramatic comeback to Stage Arts, one by one, when production comes along. Or not.

    Whatever it is... I wanna not do stuff anymore. For now.

    Sunday, June 6, 2010

    Me? Sarcastic? Nahhhh....

    What a mess. What's a mess? Everything is!

    But it's the kind of mess that keeps us moving and not loathing around, doing nothing. Being lazy-ass bums.

    Shit happens all the freaking time. Like everyday, there's bound to be something trying to bring you down. It can be as small as dropping a coin the floor, or as big as a fight with someone. Basically, a lot went down over the past week or so.

    Good and bad. It's funny how so many things can happen to you, when you've hardly done anything at all.


    School - same old, same old.

    Good news?
    I passed both my Journalistic Writing and Media Market Research written test. Not exactly flying colours, but not exactly borderline average either. I'm happy because these bastards decided to pop-up on my birthday, and I fucking took them down like the bitches they are.

    Bad news?
    Lots of work, Multi-cam was a nerve-wrecking. I'm constantly being late for classes. I'm always coming home late, and dying on my desk. I've been starving during the day, and always end-up eating a lot late at night.

    Drama taking a toll on me. I'm directing a play for StageArts night. I fear, I won't get everything done in time. I'm good at executing, but organizing ain't my cup of tea.

    Also, I got appointed as leader for two module ICAs. I didn't had a say. But meh, I'll show them whose boss! That would be ME. I haven't done anything. Looks like I gotta move the cogs in the machine. That's what I'm always expected to do.

    Hmm, as far as my relationship with her is concerned, we've gone through rocky waters. But fortunately all is fine. She's simple, yet confusing. Or maybe it's just in my head. Maybe I just don't know how to handle and adapt to sudden chances in the tide.

    Sometimes it feels like an unstoppable force, meets an immovable object. Nothing is gain..

    Needless to say, it's part and parcel of everything. That's reality, nothing is ever you expect it to be. Still, I'm not complaining. I'd take this over being lonely and upset all the time, any day.

    NOW. Only ONE MORE FREAKING WEEK. After this week, well .. technically, there is no "holiday" just a break. Hell, the break won't even be a break.

    BUT WE MUST BE OPTIMISTIC. For we must remember - It's always darkest before the dawn.

    NOW. ONWARDS. after I finish this cookie.

    Saturday, May 29, 2010

    Caught in a Crossfire

    Here's a situation for you little people. Play it out in your head.
    It may require some flexible ethics depending on who you are.

    You are out with two good friends. One of them is your significant other, the other, her/his best friend. Everyone's having a great time, until suddenly, a tiny issue is raised and everything goes sour.

    Your significant other fires harsh words at their best friend. There is an awkward silence.

    You are left alone.

    Both parties are badly hurt. Your significant other is now emotional and regrets their actions.

    Do you still comfort and support them?

    What about the other friend? Remember, they're still a very good/close friend of yours.
    Would it be biased if you tend to your own partner only? Will they feel neglected?

    The best course of action is obviously to be Neutral. But what do you say to be neutral? How will you break the long silence? What do you do to mend the situation?


    I hope someone can give me an answer to this, because I suck at it. Thanks.

    Send me your best answers, and you'll stand a chance to win a Sandwich... made by me.

    Thursday, May 27, 2010

    I must confess that I feel like a monster...

    What is wrong with this animal
    I'm terrible
    I hope you never see me wind up

    The barrage of workload and endless nights reign once again. The sudden transition from relaxation mode to work-mode is never an easy shift. My fatigue is showing. But, I have to put it aside to attend to other matters.

    In-Course Assessments every single week. And unlike last semester, where I was lazing my ass off throughout, I'm actually trying to put effort now. I actually studied for a written test that wasn't an exam. Things are moving so fast, it still feels as if the holidays just ended. But in actual fact, that was more than a month ago.

    Today, my angst got a grip on me once again. I never liked myself when I'm angry, 'coz, I don't think. I snapped at Arifin, my good friend, while he was having a good time. For no reason. I don't know why. I felt so bad after wards. I don't know how many lives I've shook because of my unforeseen mood swings. Unpredictable anger is the worst form anger ever. I need an anger management therapist... Like Dr. Buddy Rydell! Anger Management was a good movie.

    The face that killed a thousand angry brain cells.... wait

    Tomorrow's Vesak Day, a public holiday. I wanna go out. My parents promised me an outing, though that hardly seem possible now. I find it funny, they hardly acknowledged even my own birthday. My dad anyways. I didn't receive a present or anything. Have they given up on me?

    Maybe not. I pray not.

    I guess, it's the perfect time to catch my breath, and take a break. But nah, I've never been one to sit still and rejuvenate. I'll find a way.

    Okay enough of this depressing bull shit. I'll crap about something magical tomorrow.