I guess just because my name is "Bozo", I was destined to be a Clown...

So there was I.

Shirtless in the salty waters of East Coast park, gazing at the endless rows of fleets blockading the Singapore seas. Watching the sun setting in the horizon. I thought to myself - "There's something icky touching my feet".

Apparently it was a seaweed. I kicked it away and continued my underwater stoning.

I sat on the wet sands, with the water at my neck-level for a good 15 minutes. All the while, it felt like forever. I was deep in thought about people, someone, and the stuff that's about to come.

I know this isn't East Coast Park. I didn't have a picture of the beach from yesterday, so shut up!

You see, I like to think. A lot. Perhaps maybe too much. I don't show it, but I do. I keep my thoughts to myself. Why? I had a harsh time growing up. I grew up in an environment where my opinions don't matter and everyone shoots me down for everything I say. So I could never really say I what I mean anymore after awhile.

In my head, lies a constant game of chess. Or any strategy game for that matter. I'm the kind of guy, who plans my moves waayyy before hand. I would play out any given situation in my head. And then think about the possibilities, the outcomes and consequences. The advantage of this is that I would come in real life ready. However, living this way for most of my life, I now see the flaws in this style. And it outweighs the advantages.

One thing, I would be ready and armed. I'll know my rotations of the words and actions to do when the time comes. Problem is, once that set is done, and I'm all out of cards, I'll be blanked. Unarmed, empty, and vulnerable. That's when things go wrong with me, and I fucking hate to be in that situation.

Another flaw involves the preparation. Thinking a lot is good. Thinking too much, will just get me killed one day. My thinking process goes something like this -

[Possibility]

- becomes-

[Idea]

- becomes -

[Possible Outcome]

- but -

[Plausible flaw]
- becomes -

[Consequences]
- turns -

[Plausible Problem]

- becomes -

[Chaos theory]

- ultimately -

[Failure to execute idea]

And the vicious cycle repeats.

It's actually much more deeper than that. But I'd rather not go into it so much.

I don't know why I do it. It just becomes instinct after going through a lot over the years. Both good and bad. Most of the time I would just go "Ah screw it" and I'll ignore everything and just go for it. And for the most part, the actual outcome of my supposed action would be far from what I would have expected. Sometimes better. Surprisingly, knowing this already I still have the habit of playing the guy who is tipping his toe over the edge of the Bungee platform, thinking if he should just go for it, try sitting and sliding down, or call it quits.

Nike is brilliant with their slogan - "Just. Do. It."

Guess all I need sometimes is a little push to get me going. And start thinking less negative and more positively, of course.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go over and sit in that corner and think about what I just wrote here.